Agenda (revised)


  • Saturday, 05:00 (recurring) – Wake up. Make yelping noise to rouse staff.
  • Saturday, 05.20 – Staff remain asleep. Add new event, Monday, 10am: advertise for new staff. Snooze.
  • Saturday, 07:00 (recurring) – Wake up. Make yelping noise to rouse staff. Scratch door. Honk.
  • Saturday, 09:00 – Staff finally appear, serve breakfast. Tuna. Cancel advert for new staff – the chef, at least, is competent if not punctual.
  • Saturday, 09.30 – Engage with Ralph in FURIOUS FIVE MINUTE DEATH CHASE. Knock stuff over. Crash into fridge. Pounce. Repeat as required.
  • Saturday, 09:35 – Ralph wins. Snooze.
  • Saturday, 11:00 – Relocate to large chair. Persuade staff to tickle fluffy ears. Roar, snort, make boxing fists with fluffy paws, snooze.
  • Saturday, 14:00 – Relocate to sunny spot in exact centre of kitchen floor. Snooze, interrupted only when staff trip over inert form.
  • Saturday, 15:30 – SNAKE ALERT. Home invaded again by fluffy snake. Display aerial superiority by leaping through air, catch snake, grizzle. Once threat contained, growl at Ralph.
  • Saturday, 16:00 – Snooze with snake corpse.
  • Saturday, 16:30 – Awake. Snake has, once again, mysteriously disappeared. Interrorage Ralph. Ralph claims that snake is employed by staff – quickly dismiss this ludicrous idea.
  • Saturday, 16:35 – A realisation: Ralph clearly in league with snake. Use last of energy for ineffective stinkfight with Ralph.
  • Saturday, 17:00 – Staff heading into banquet hall. Rush in for dinner. If dinner not served, repeat every 15 minutes until dinner finally appears.
  • Saturday, 19:00 – Finally, dinner. Inhale cod chunks. Commence two hour cleaning ritual.
  • Saturday, 20:00 – Interrupt cleaning to stink up bathroom. Scratch floor outside litterbox. More cleaning.
  • Saturday, 21:00 – Staff monopolizing large bed, watching the Ray Mears window (Mears currently nowhere to be seen – make note to watch for him tomorrow). Push staff out of way to create sleeping space.
  • Saturday, 21:30 – Sleep.

Sunday: As per Saturday, so far, but with an earlier start. No idea why they’re waking up so early this week, but it’s exhausting.

All © 2020 Tom Royal