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Things prospective cat owners should know

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A very incomplete list:

  • Each cat will roughly double in size in one year. Hopefully this applies to the first year only.
  • They will deposit a fine layer of hair over everything to the point where even expensive cyclonic vacuum cleaners are helpless and serve only to mock your inability to ever clean properly again.
  • They will steal cake, cheese and olives from your plate, occasionally employing distraction tactics to this end.
  • When you cook, they will move to lie in wait for any precious “floor cheese” that may drop from the kitchen counter.
  • One of them may even take to licking the olive oil bottle (yuck).
  • They will sleep in the kitchen sink, on the hob, and on the desk. Despite allegedly superior intelligence, and some success in other types of cat-training, you will be totally unable to prevent this.
  • While you sleep, they will pounce on your head. And feet. And chest. Sometimes they will decide to sit, sphinx-like, on your chest and, while gently crushing you, doze off. Attempts to move them will be futile, as they are persistent.
  • If you ever work from home, they will sit on the following items, making even the simplest tasks tricky: your paperwork, the keyboard, your arm, the mouse and the printer. Sometimes they will even attack the cursor and/or caret on the monitor.
  • Other things they will sit on: freshly laundered clothes, the oven glove (again, yuck) and your laptop.
  • They will eat their own fluff, then vomit furballs. These will be targeted so as to only land on expensive carpet rather than hard floors.
  • There will also be poo. It will not, always, be in the right place.
  • You will find yourself joining animal charities (plural) – the type that use pictures of wide-eyed puppies in adverts pleading for £2 each month.
  • Most worrying of all: when you are at home, and nobody is around, you will talk to the cats. As if they are human. You may even have conversations of a sort. After a while, this will not seem strange to you.
  • It’s still totally worth getting cats.

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